Posted by Charles on November 06, 2001 at 01:14:51:
I was just old my my mother that things are not as bad as they seem. Things are as bad as they seem and I'm learning that with every finger that I have break. I am not shure what is going on in that fucked up dome of mine but it is going to stop and I will find a way if it kills me. I can see this vien pumping out from my head like some kinked water hose that is about to bust. My eye is like a big ball of clotted blood. I have a sixty pound wight peirce through my eyelid. There is some kind of animal trying to claw its way to get out through the top of my head, right where the skull was fused together, after my birth into this world of shit. My body shakes nonstop with the thought of my nasal cavaty colapsing and my skin opening up with sores the size of quarters from the prednisone, the only fucking thing that works. I would be happy if there was some sort of something that I could take between monthly doses of prednisone. But no, the fucking peice of shit doc thinks its to fucking risky for me to posses pain releivers. Mabey I'll go dig at hi skull with an ice cream scoop. Then I'll tell him that he's fucked cause I don;t care. The thoughts thru my mind are not honest, they are those of someone who has had to take lithium to keep from blowin up since he was 12 which was way before I started haveing to beat myself in the head with shoes. Which sounds a little fucking stranged don't you think. I mean what kind of fuck do I have to be to beat myself in the fucking head? Some one who dosent need any kind of medicine that fucking works. NO I dont fucking think so. I have nothing to lose at this piont of this long and over played journy to the deepest part of my self reflective botomliss pit of dispare. The screams from my mother for me to stop are only fueling my rage to put my fist thru her chest and and take the first fucking rib I can get a grip and rip it out of her anti-human chest and shove it thru my forhead to end all that is here and move on to the next place in which my higher power can punish me for more of the things that I have yet to do. Mabey then I can ask him if it was his master plan to piss me and the rest of you off because I am royally pissed and when I get a chance to grab who ever it was that made the dicision to fuck with the life that I had planned for me and the perfect fucking life that I had he will have the plesure of me personally torchureing him until the devil him self tells me that that is enough because he can't take it anymore. Then I'll just be gettin started. The things that I had planned for my life were so great...now the only thing I can look forward to is a life of pain and sarrow that I have to rub off onto other people who will only feel sorry for me or hate the fact that I am causeing them a fucking inconveince. My head fucking hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrtsss...What the fuckk. I am not a peice of shit that deseves this kind of torchure. I may have done a lot of things in my life but I have never done a single fucking thing to deseve a life of misery and pain. I cant stopo crying. These things keep running through my mind like some sort of need for somthing that I cant see or touch or anything.... I dont want to grow old and not have any thing to look on bu this. There has to be something, something that can stop this from happening. I feel death at my shoulder looking in my left eye trying to decide whether or not he is going to stop. He won't he's having to much fucking fun toying withn my fuking mind. I dont know. the pain os so domant that you swear that it is going to just go away but I know better, here in hours its going to throw me to the ground and kick the shit out of me. I'm going to type until I get better or I start my daily dose of sheer horror. I have written every headache down, even the times, every day for the last two years. There is no pattern no rythem just a none stop fucking pain that has crippled me for my life. I have no one to call and niether of my parents are home. they rather not be here with there fucked up child who has freakish fucked up head spasms. I get to type into a computer now thogh. Like this is helping my pain in any way. Dam I hope people dont take offense to this, I just need to type, ples lord stop this now, I just want this to either get the fuck on or stop. Stop lingering around in my head..If your gonna do it then do it. I remember, about a year ago, I would purposely chain smoke in the beginnig of every day just so I could go ahead and get my daily attacks over with...Then the fun began..the got smart and started couming in multiple packs a day...little fuckers. I had to stop induceing to head aches...doc told me that it wasn't safe. Fuck that piece of shit. He's the head of nuerology for kelsey sebold in houston..Dr. Arana..what a bith. Couldn't diagnose a plague. The pain is coming and I welcome it...Mabey one day I'll have an anyuerism and go on my mary way and be done with this shit hjole . I am not a bad person so dont go and think bad things...I have always wanted the best for everyone and all I ever saw was the wurst. I'm going to go and go get some Ice..I hpoe you all have a good night because I am Going to be up in my hell waitng for my fucking folks to come home to the freak boy that they are so proud of to have as a son. Fuckers. Did I mention that I have a dog. I love all of you who are out there and willing to keep on pushing till the end cause I am haveing trouble and I dont know how to deal with this situation I have always benn a leader but now I don't know what to do and I am extremely scared that I am going to fuck up. I dont want to die like this. I want to live and do things and be some one that gos out and I want to leave my house but I know that there is no where for me to go and even if I could get out I wouldn't have a way to get there. Ever since this shit started is has been down hill, every day another fuckin episode and more conflicts along with bad news from every diection along with the peice of shit doctors who just tell my that as long as I'm alive Im doing good..what that fuck kind of shit is that. I am not a bad person, I never did anything to deserve what I am in store for. My head is starting to really hurt so bye and I hope you all dont take any offense to this..it was just steam...I love you guys..I really do... I dont know what I'm doing any more so bare with me.. I 'm in a real rough spott -charles -