my pain

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Posted by Mary Beth Slavin ( on December 02, 2001 at 21:37:07:

This is what i wrote about a month ago when my cluster headaches not only came back but much worse: " As I sit here I am actually afraid that I might die- I don't even know what is wrong with me. First it was just the episodes with my head when they said i had cluster, but now i feel as though it is going all the way into my heart. This is so scary- I thought it was over in the spring, then it came back in the summer, and now it is back again in the fall. I feel like people think that i am making up how bad the pain is. I don't want to die- I'm scared- i dont want to miss my mom and my dad, my brothers and my friends. I want to live my life and gorw old. I need help. I've been trying to get helpbut no one can help. The reason I'm writing is bc i actually feel like i might die. And i would write someone how i feel but i dont want to scare them. But i just wanted to say I love my family more than anything in the world- and I dont want to be sick cause i dont want my mom to worry or be sad Im sorry."

It goes on but im crying again as i write this. Obviously, i didnt die but i was so scared that i would. It sucks be all alone at college trying to do work in my room withno one to understand how i feel and just trying to suck it up all by myself. Every time it is just as bad as the last if not worse. Now the pain travels down my head to my neck to my left arm and into my chest. I went to a cardiologist but they said my heart was fine... does this happen to anyone else with clusters? also, i get terrible spasms in my head, it feels like i am going to have a seizures. My doc said this isnt normal for clusters, does anyone else get this? it is great to find people with the same problems as mine, i feel like a weight has been lifted off of my heart. Thankyou sooo much. And i am so sorry for all ofyour pain, cause i know how scary and lonely it is

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