ramblings of a lunatic.......

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Posted by Monique ( on January 17, 2002 at 01:24:42:

It has been a rough week dealing with the beast and that is only from my perspective as the supporter. Greg is being hit very hard and between the worry over me and keeping the business afloat, through and in spite of this torture, he is carrying on ... as he always has.

But there are times, when he is not in cycle, that I forget. I forget how hard this is on everyone in the house. How much it alters his personality to walk around with this horror hanging over him. There are times that we get so wrapped up in "other" stuff that I look back at the cycles and think "could they really have been that bad?" YES. They are. And then some.

I cannot tell you how very much I regret not doing what I knew was right. Flash had told us early on about dosing between. He had said that he did it every four months (perhaps it was six???) to keep the beast at bay. But Greg would not let me keep some in reserve. And when it was about time to dose again and I insisted on getting some, Greg flat out refused. He had faith. Faith that he had conquered the beast. And now that he needs it, it seems impossible to get. But I think he is too far into the cycle now for it to help anyway.

I remember some time ago arguing with someone about weather the shrooms were a cure (as I said they were) or a treatment. I loose. They are indeed a treatment and without the treatment your bound to end up in hell again.

There has been so much work done about how to do the tea and when ............and yet. We humans are an odd lot. As I sit here waiting for the next attack, I weep. I can't help it. I have not slept in days for fear that I will not wake when he needs me. He lays down, he has to, his body is so sore from the tension of the pain, the waiting, driving the backhoe all day doesn't help much either... but that's it, an hour at best is all he gets before he is slammed again. I've lost track of how many a day and how long. They just have blurred into one.

Today I got angry with him. He was worried about me. Something I wanted to do and he knew I shouldn't be doing it. I was so pissed I got really mad and told him he had no right to TELL me what I should or shouldn't be doing. I didn't mean it. I was just tired and I know he was too. But everything, in the middle of this nightmare seems so much worse. Everything makes you ache. And.. everything makes you cry.

here we go again. ........ 1 hour on the nose.
sorry for going on and on.

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