Posted by Stephen Brown (209.53.88.81) on August 08, 1999 at 01:52:30:
They're back... they're awful, they're mean, they're malicious, they're ill-timed, and I hate them!!!!! I've had them for years. They went away... for 2 1/2 years.. but they're back! I've had the thoughts.. the "Why not just stop it all?" thoughts. The one bullet is cheaper than my next Imitrex script thoughts, but I can't do that.. not when I know that a pain free moment allows me to pet my dogs, or pull some weeds from my vegetable garden, or to hear a bird's song, or just to sit on the dock and watch the fish swim... life is great when you're not battling the Demon. But when you are battling.. MAN!! What a damn tough fight we hafta put up!!!! Not only ourselves, but those we care for and love as well. They suffer too. I am a fortunate man to have been found by a woman who cares deeply for me and whose interest in me has allowed her to find this site and let me know about you all. I share your pain and will be an active participant in this forum from now on. I was in tears today as I read your accounts of the battles.....the Doctors, the meds, the hopes, the failures, the miserable failures. I have had them too... take a dose just to be denied the benefit of pain relief, waste money on visits, and appointments, and meds.. just to end up more stressed than before. The muscles that just won't relax, the side of your face falling off in segmented explosions of unrelenting tortuous pain. I do know. And I do hate... "hate" may not even be a strong enough word. I despise what they make me... less than human is how I feel when I'm in the throes of an episode. My headaches are standardly four to five hours long, and unless I get right to it as soon as I feel the "twinge".. it wins. That's all there is to it.. it wins... and I lose.. bad!!!
I wonder if any of you have ever experienced a phenomenon which I correlate to my recent transition from "pain free" to being "back in the cycle".....
I have experienced an unusual activity in my right eye field of vision (I am right side deprived during attacks). It was as though a "strand" of some unusual, irridescent, glowing, rainbow-colored, snake-like shape was walking it's way around my peripheral vision area. I was unable to focus on it, as it would stay out of my direct line of vision.
It was irridescent almost... lit as if by refractory light... it pulsed, it moved, it strolled around my eye for at least 30 minutes. It was not affected by indoor/ outdoor situation.. it was tangible to me.. yet to seek it in the mirror, it was nothing. My episodes began almost concurrently.. as quickly as they had ceased 2 1/2 years earlier. I have not seen any more information of this type of thing in my research, nor here in this site... does this ring a familiar bell with anyone? I pray for a good night's sleep for each and every one of you tonight, and look forward to meeting you all over the next while. Be strong, stay courageous, and if someone who loves you wants to try to help, try to let them. In numbers we have strength. Bless you all.