Posted by Carl D (188.8.131.52) on November 29, 1999 at 03:47:14:
I have been enjoying myself as of late as I have had my CH's under control for the first time in almost two years. I have been doing the things I have only dreamed of but not been free enough to do : Auditioning for bands, hanging with friends, running around the town, greasing up the county mascot, running through the town naked, stealing items from peoples grocery baskets and replacing them with generic items, urinating on City Hall property, mooning police officers, etc.
I think my fun has run out.
The last two nights I have not been able to sleep again (whats up with that?)
Last night I awoke three separate times with a CH and took two ERCAFS, breathed o2 (which does nothing anymore) Maybe had a total of an hour and a half of sleep, and arose from bed only to realize my fingers on my left hand were asleep. I ran cold, hot and warm water on them to "wake" them up, and then earlier tonight had my right hand falling asleep with my fingers itching. All I could think is "NO, this stuff is working...I am avoiding torturous pain, it is working - this is not happening, I'm only panicking."
Sadly, I remember someone telling me, "if your toes or fingers start getting cold, numb or falling asleep, you may have to stop taking ERCAF, as you may wind up with gangreen." Great. I am a guitarist, and now I can barely feel my fingers. Why do I have the feeling this sucks really really bad?
So now I am faced with this: do I avoid the pain of a CH but risk losing my appendages, or deal with the pain and keep my limbs? This is so hard. Most of you cannot realize what I have been through in the last two years, but I can say I am not ready to go it another two. Those of you who have lived as a chronic, I know you can relate - how would you feel?
Trying to be positive and stay on the upswing, but my gut tells me that I have not even scratched the surface as far as how bad this can get. I hate CH's. I wish I was ignorant like everyone else and had no reason to know what CH's are. I wish I could be like the 22.3 billion other inhabitants of this planet and think Tylenol is a cure-all.
I need some support guys. I am kinda freakin. I just had some majorly overdue freedom and now I'm afraid it is over. So what now, back to suffering and thats it?
It's kinda like I just got used to Pamela Lee's big jugs and now she traded 'em back for half pints - and I'm supposed to remain happy and enthralled?
I can't go back to whence I just just came
For it would surely drive me insane
to taste a simple moment of pleasure
only to have it interrupted with pain.
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