Just need to vent....

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Posted by Miss Nut ...... AKA Monique ( on February 15, 2000 at 02:16:43:

Greg had another bad night and the morning has not been much better the good news is that the three he had were only about 3-4 hours long. However the intensity was far worse (didn't think that possible) He's been trying so hard to do some deep breathing and relaxing through the worst of it, but its so hard when there's so much pain, he just rocks and paces and weeps. Last night he kept calling himself a stupid B@#%@ because he couldn't stay still and relax. Then he would start to cry again and ask me to for give him for putting me through this and that I don't deserve this, it's not fair to me.....Dear Lord, how do I make him see that I couldn't care less
what he had I would want him. This isn't him, this isn't his choice anymore
than the MS was my choice. He gets so down when he is in the middle of one, I just don't know what to do sometimes. My chest and arms are all bruised (I wouldn't let him know that he would feel awful.) but when he rests his head on my lap when he's kneeling on the floor in front of me, he rocks back and forth pushing his head into me. I feel as though I have had my upper body run over by a truck or something.
I bawl my eyes out the whole time I write these things but when I'm done I somehow feel better. I don't know why and I'm sorry for doing it to you all, just can't explain much of anything right now.
We sometimes stand and just stare at the bed, arm in arm and say "remember when we could cuddle up and sleep for a whole night?" Now we can't even lay down in it. When he's in the worst of it he goes and pounds his fists into it cause the kids
can't hear him in there or him hitting it, but part of it I think is cause he wants so bad, so very, very bad to just crawl in there, curl up and sleep. Sleep, what a wonderful word, the real thing must be wonderful. I
can't even remember any more. I have kept such meticulous diaries over the years of his clusters, what he eats before and after, what he drinks, how
much he smokes, (he's only smoking one a day now (cig. not pack) and is going to quit) how long they last the intensity the time they start etc. this time I couldn't care less. I don't know how many days it has been, how many he's had all together, or how much sleep we are actually surviving on, I just know that if there is a hell,..it's much like this.
When this ends, I am going to do some research on tears. I have to understand how we can continue to produce so many in succession. I just don't get where they all come from. Candice (our 15 year old) lost it today after school. She came home looking so sad. I went into her room and asked her what was wrong, she just burst into tears. Some of her friends asked her to do some stuff this weekend and she tried to tell them about her Dad's CH's. She got so frustrated trying to explain that NO they are not JUST headaches, and NO you've probably never had a headache like this. They just don't get it Mom! She kept crying. She said she had gotten down on her knees when she heard Daddy in the bathroom moaning and prayed for Jesus to take the headache away, that he couldn't take anymore. She wanted to know why He didn't answer her prayer.....How do I answer this one?
Shannon (the 14 year old) heard the commotion and came in to join us in our attempt to fill the house with tears, we did a pretty good job of it too! Two boxes of klennex and six puffy eyes later we still had no answers but we at least released some tension. Ended in a tickling match on the floor, at which time Josh (17) came in and we really had a free for all! :).....Life goes on......(I hate to say this for fear of jinxing it, but I have been pressuring him to drink water all day, he says everytime he sees me I'm handing him water! He's been sleeping since 10:30pm, it's almost 2:30am.......Please, please, please.....)

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