Angry and Scared

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Posted by Aaron ( on February 05, 2001 at 20:44:28:

My name is Aaron, I'm 24. I've been dealing with clusters since I was a sophmore in high school. I like to think I'm a pretty tough guy. I ride motorcycles, play in bands, protect my wife, all the sterotypical bull. The last thing I'm going to is do cry like a damn baby everytime the Demon comes. Though it always comes to that. In fact I sit here and write this in tears as I read your stories. I know your pain. I never cry. This is ridiculous.

It starts with a dull pain in my left temple. I always hope it will just stop here. It never does. I've got ten minutes. How bad will this one be? I can't afford to miss another day of work. How do I explain to my boss I need to go home because of a "headache"? Six minutes left. The pain has moved above my left eye and is starting to go up the left side of my skull. Will I be able to drive home? If I can't, who will get me there? Four minutes left. Now the shooting pains start. Almost every second it seems. The Demon is here. The Demon is here. I tell work I'm "sick" and need to leave. The other day after I hobbled to my truck I threw up in the parking lot. I lucked out today. Still got a minute or so before it's full blown. Got to get home. By the time I reach the house my left eye is on fire. I can't believe it's still in the socket. The pressure feels like it could shoot it out. I can't open my eye, yet it's forced open by the constant watering. I'm also having trouble breathing now because of my nose being stuffed and running. I look for the nearest, dark, soft place to land. I know I'm in for an hour of intense pain. Maybe two. I do this daily. Sometimes the meds work, sometimes the oxygen, sometimes it just hurts. I'm not ready to talk about what happens in those two hours yet, but I know you know.

I'm scared because I seem to be getting worse. The current cycle has been going on since early Nov. These clusters are also more intense than I've ever had. It's not fair to my family. It's so hard on them. I wish I could face the Demon. I would like to make it feel the pain that I feel. That all of us feel!! Well that's enough for now. I do feel better though. That's something I don't say real often.



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