Beat Me Up I donít care any more!

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Posted by Elaine ( on April 05, 2001 at 11:15:36:

In Reply to: Self appointed judges judge, and who gives a frickin' Blah posted by Carl D on April 05, 2001 at 00:01:12:

I have been on this site for two years now, maybe to long who knows. I will say this I have some great New friend here as well as old friends. I might not after this post.

Carl D, I have taken up money for you and we paid for your medication, your trip to the convention has been paid for, by a very kind man. Nothing we do, nothing the doctors do helps you. DJ has tried to help you we all have. You came in chat last night and were given advice. From the same people who have been there. I was chronic, and I had a hard time just like everyone else. I got down on the floor just like you did. I always got up. I posted how bad it was just like you did. I got off my butt and found the medication I needed, I studied and I took control of my health. You told us you just come here to vent cause your friends around you donít understand. You vent 24/7 Carl! I wonít give you pity, I will give you understanding and give what advice I know, from my own personal experience. Every piece of advice given to you last night you came back with a BUT. I resent that you stated that chronics in remission donít care, that is a crock of shit and you know it. I am sorry if you get offend or anyone else does. I have prayed for you , tried to get you medication, talked to you all hours of the night when you were at the end of your rope. Those things I will do for you. I will not pity you. I will not sit and tell you lies. I say what I think and I feel. You donít like us old timers well they are just about all gone, so I donít think you have much to worry about there. What you want is all the new people here to feel sorry for you. You know you are not the only one that gets clusters or been beat up around here.

Carl you want to know how I live. I live in a fucking basement, I donít have a way to cook except on a grill outside my door, I donít have a way to keep my food cold except in a cooler. I donít have a shower, I have a sink and a toilet. I have to go upstairs to bath , when no one is home. I am in the middle of a divorce. I do the best I can! It has nothing to do with CH. I can not blame my divorce on CH because they had nothing to do with it. I can not blame any thing in my life on CHs. I could have stopped my divorce, I control my life, not CHs not cancer but me. Have I forgot what having clusters are like oh no never will I forget, but I dealt with it and tried and worked till I found what worked for me! I asked for help here and I took the advice I was given. I donít have CH right now but I have other things to deal with. I have days I stay in bed, I donít want to get up. I am to tired and depressed. You think cause my screen name is Lady Elaine I live like a queen. I take pain pills for my cancer and am on so many different drugs that life seems dull at times. I go to chat and I talk to people in there and work on the convention, I donít vent I try to stay happy and up. If I am really depressed and canít shake it, I might tell a friend or two. I might post I have had all I can take. I get the post that say hey hang in there we are with you. Those are so nice and I love everyone who answers my post. You know what gets me up and out of my depression. Its Todd who says hey ďget over yourselfĒ! ďYou got to get up and work on chat, and the convention.ĒĒ To many people depend on you!Ē Does Todd sometimes hurt my feelings when he says these things to me? Hell yea he does at the time! I cry and tell myself he does not understand. Then I think about it, and he was always right! I can lay in bed and die, or I can get up and live. Oh it is hard and it hurts like hell to get up. My bones hurt, my back hurts from where the chemo has destroyed good cells. Picking up a basket of cloths to take to the washer is even hard. I do it, and pushing a vacum is not easy but I do it. There is no one that visits me to see my house, I donít have to do it but I do it so I donít die. I drive to meet others who have clusters. Driviing is hard for me. I go 300 miles to a 100 miles on my trips.Todd knows when to put his hands on my face and try to make it all better, and kiss the tears away. He also knows when I need a hard push. The words Todd tells me helps me. Donít get me wrong when I need to rest I do. I am not saying this because I love Todd. The main reason I love Todd like I do is , he always told it like he saw it, never beat around the bush. He is my best friend. Anyone that has Todd as a friend has a true friend. Your post was meant for Todd and me so I thought I would answer it! I don't want pity,and I don't want people saying oh poor pitful Elaine. I want honest friends who really care. That I have. Carld you have that too your are just so wrapeed up in yourself you can not see it! Don't tell me I anit been there I been to hell and back too. Get over yourself, get up and fight!Not me not Todd but the demon. I can not fight him for ya. Only you can fight him. No one can fight my battles for me, all they can do is support me , and in supportting I mean giving me good honest advise not Pity!

There is a lot I keep to myself. Sometimes its best that way. You know what. I am tried of getting beat up and all the facts not be out on the table.

If anyone wants to beat me up for this post go for it. I am tired of sitting back keeping my mouth shut!

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